Learning how to stop being a people pleaser is a challenge for most.
In a world that often values harmony and approval, many of us find ourselves constantly trying to make others happy. While slipping into this role can seem harmless, the toll it takes on our mental and physical health is far from trivial.
“When our primary focus is on satisfying others, we can easily neglect our own needs and well-being,” Justin Plant, LISW-CP, a behavioral health therapist at Bon Secours St. Francis, explains. “Over time, this neglect can result in feelings of exhaustion and frustration with ourselves and others.”
Signs of this fatigue can manifest both in physical health and mental health. Justin explains those who prioritize the happiness of others may experience “signs of physical or mental fatigue, becoming more isolated, feelings of resentment, pulling away from hobbies and other activities of interest.”
The emotional labor of constantly seeking approval can drain your time and energy reserves, leaving you feeling depleted. Therefore, understanding why we engage in people-pleasing behavior can help us address it.
“Prior trauma, abuse or neglect can sometimes lead to avoiding confrontation or trying to please,” Justin adds, saying external factors such as social anxiety disorders as well as internal factors, like perfectionism, often drive this tendency. These experiences can create a pattern of behavior where pleasing others feels like a survival mechanism.
Cultural and societal influences can also play a significant role in people-pleasing tendencies. In many environments, particularly those that value caregiving and self-sacrifice, individuals may feel an implicit pressure to put others first.
Justin emphasizes the importance of recognizing these influences and working to set boundaries appropriately when overcoming people pleasing.
“A person should not feel guilt or shame when they set boundaries,” he says. “You are setting boundaries for yourself, not for the other person.”
This perspective shift can empower individuals to reclaim their time and energy, allowing for healthy relationships both with themselves and others. This can help when you are trying to better understand how to stop being a people pleaser. Another effective strategy is intentional reflection. Justin suggests using journaling as a tool to process emotions, evaluate interactions and understand your true feelings. Start with small entries and work your way up from there.
In addition, consider how you handled a situation and ask yourself, “Did my emotions line up with what actually happened?” This practice encourages you to step back and examine your responses critically. By clarifying whether your actions stemmed from genuine care or a desire for approval, you can identify patterns in your behavior that may contribute to people pleasing.
“This self-awareness allows you to act from a place of authenticity rather than obligation,” Justin explains. “Over time, this shift can lead to healthier relationships and a more balanced sense of self, where your needs are valued alongside those of others.”
Breaking free from the people-pleasing trap is not easy, but it is essential for our mental and physical well-being. By recognizing the patterns, setting healthy boundaries and reflecting on our actions, we can learn to prioritize ourselves without guilt and feel good.
As we take steps toward self-acceptance, we can learn how to stop being a people pleaser, improve our own health and create more balanced, fulfilling relationships.
If you find yourself struggling to strike a balance, it may be helpful to seek help from a mental health professional.
Learn about the behavioral health and primary care services we provide at Bon Secours.
