According to Judi’s House/the JAG Institute, 1 in 12 children in the U.S. will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18. While many resources are available to children experiencing grief or loss, some provide a more creative outlet for children to process the emotions surrounding their experiences.
KIDZ‘NGRIEF, our pediatric bereavement program in Hampton Roads, Va., has proudly been one of those resources for more than 20 years. Even when COVID-19 pandemic hit in 2020, the program quickly transitioned to virtual programming and continued to provide support to participants between the ages of 3 and 18.
How it started
This program has proudly helped thousands of children as they cope with the changes and emotions that come with experiencing the death of a loved one. Beth Pile, who founded the program as a social worker at Bon Secours Mary Immaculate Hospital, ran grieving groups for adults and worked in hospice care. When that hospice care program began caring for patients with children, she noticed there was nothing in place to help them. She also saw families avoiding the conversation about death with children or shielding them from the situation.
In the first year, she trained 11 volunteers. Now, there are 20, with several more who can substitute when needed. Each facilitator commits to serving in their role for a year, but some have stayed with the program for years. The program also expanded to include Mikey’s Camp – a camp for grieving kids and teens hosted every November and named after Beth’s late Bernese mountain dog, who was a therapy dog for kids in the program.
Filling the void
Beth refers to children as “forgotten mourners,” recognizing that when a loss does occur, kids still experience grief regardless of whether they have all the details or not.
While they may process it differently from adults and other children, one of the biggest ways program facilitators can guide them is through reflection and sharing –
allowing children to feel heard. Facilitators encourage kids to ask questions and talk about the person who has died. They do this through a range of innovative activities, including games, art, puppets, role-plays and stories. The goal is to provide a safe environment and help each child adjust to their loss.
A child’s level of development also has a major impact on how they deal with their grief. Until a certain age, death doesn’t have permanence to a child, so their feelings of loss are different than those of an older child, who may struggle more to understand the “why” behind it. However, Beth still emphasizes that children can handle difficult situations, and the program’s goal is to help them do so.
Ariane Walter, KIDZ’NGRIEF’s bereavement and volunteer coordinator, says another factor they’re seeing more is a stigma attached to the death of a loved one by drug overdose, suicide or gun violence. That sentiment leads children to believe they can’t talk about the situation and, by extension, their grief in dealing with it. This may also extend to the adults in the family, who want to help children but may not know how to because they feel that same stigma.
“Always be open and honest with them,” Ariane says. “It’s tough to talk about, but it’s important to do that and to give them some space.”
The Ramos Family
Rosalis and Alfredo Ramos lost their oldest son, Chucky, in a terrible accident that involved the entire family. They were worried about how their younger children, Foxy, Roxie and Lexi, would handle such a traumatic experience.
A funeral home employee referred the family to the KIDZ‘NGRIEF program. Since then, the family has found comfort in the programming. They even continued to participate virtually throughout the pandemic.
“We still meet online. The children do their activities, come out of their room with smiles and show their crafts so proudly,” Rosalis shared in 2020. “The girls are always excited to share what they have done in their brother’s name. They feel a little better because they are not afraid to share what they are feeling. This program gives us an opportunity to come together and speak about the activity or topic the kids enjoyed during their meetings.”
“As parents going through the program, we have learned that we are not alone in our grief and that it is OK to feel all of the different emotions as they come up,” Rosalis adds. “The volunteers and members are there for us and we are there for them.”
The Earley Family
Maurice T. Earley, Sr. and his two sons, Ty and Camden, showed up together for their first session with KIDZ‘NGRIEF. They had been referred by a close family member following the loss of his wife and their mother.
Maurice thought he would walk out the door and pick up his children after the session. It was only then he realized the program also supports those who have lost a spouse.
“This program has taught me how to deal with loss, especially when certain situations arise. It has also shown me I have people to talk to when I’m in need. It has allowed me to express myself,” Maurice shares. “We meet on Tuesdays, and it has been the best thing ever. We are family to each other and we talk about everything.”
Maurice adds, “As we continue to go through the program, my kids seem to understand and deal with their emotions. … It gives them an opportunity to talk to kids their age and share their stories. The program has shown them that other kids are dealing with similar things.”
The Tison Family
When 10-year-old Nathan Tison lost his older brother, Stephen, to a motorcycle accident, his mother, Michelle, knew seeking help was of the utmost importance. She was referred to the KIDZ‘NGRIEF program by a counselor, who says the program has benefited not only Nathan but her as well.
“Nathan is able to tell me when he’s missing his brother, and he knows it’s OK to be sad. We remember and talk about Stephen, and Nathan knows it’s OK to cry,” Michelle shares. “The program provides Nathan a safe and appropriate place to express his feelings. I have also enjoyed being a part of the loss of a child group. It’s helpful being with others that understand what you are going through.”
Patti and Fred, longtime volunteers
Patti and Fred Caccavale have been involved with the KIDZ‘NGRIEF program as facilitators for more than 15 years. The husband-and-wife duo typically facilitates sessions with fourth and fifth graders throughout the year, as well as with sixth and seventh graders at Camp Mikey each fall.
“This program has changed the way we look at death. As a country, we are rarely comfortable talking about death, yet we will all face it with family, friends or ourselves,” the Caccavales share. “Allowing kids to have a safe place to talk about death and letting them know that it is always OK to talk about it has been very rewarding.”
KIDZ‘NGRIEF is supported by the Bon Secours Hampton Roads Foundation and other local private donations. The program is free of charge to all participants. Children may enroll in this program at any time.
If there is a grieving child in your life who may benefit from this program, please reach out to Ariane Walter at 757-947-3420 or by email at ariane_walter@bshsi.org for more information or to register.
Learn more about our community commitment at Bon Secours and find out about our community programs near you.
